Sunday, June 24, 2012


I'm not a Christian, more of a very liberal Reform Jew/Agnostic than anything else, but I'm actually a very big fan of Jesus himself. No, I don't believe he was the son of God or anything like that. I do believe in a lot of the things he said which are common sense principles of decency which anyone, of any religion (or lack of) can embrace.

That's why I find it especially infuriating, and hilarious, that most of the people who call themselves "Christians" are so far from his teachings when it comes to their actions. If he were to come back to Earth as they have been hoping for almost 2,000 years now, neither Christ or his "followers" would recognize each other.

Let's go ahead and paint this scenario of Christ returning for shits and giggles. First of all, he wasn't the blond-haired, blue-eyed, clean"Aryan" looking figure that adorns the inside of most Sunday school text books. He was from Israel, not a church choir in Alabama or a modeling agency in Hollywood. He didn't speak American English, he spoke Aramaic and most people wouldn't be able to tell the difference between that and Arabic so they'd just figure he sounded "foreign". Historical Jesus would not only not recognize the people who worship him today, he wouldn't recognize the Jesus they claim to be followers of either.

So, on with the scenario of Jesus coming back...It is Christmas Eve 2012 and he got back just in time for the Mayan Apocalypse. He would have gotten here sooner but it took 3 complete screenings by the TSA at the airport because he looked suspicious. He wanders through the shopping malls of America that are chock full of idiots putting themselves further in debt to celebrate a completely bastardize version of his birthday by buying over-priced shit for people they don't really care about anyhow. He walks through the homeless shelters where most people only go to volunteer on Thanksgiving or Christmas because that's the trendy thing to do these days. He stands in the mega-churches, wondering who this Jesus is that they are preaching about. "This isn't me", he would say. "I didn't say it was OK to be a bigoted asshole and that it was OK to persecute people in my name or worship the false god of prosperity instead of me. I never told anyone to stand on a stage and use my name to make millions of dollars in personal wealth."

Shortly thereafter, there'd be a 2012 version of the time he drove the money changers from the temple. There would be a Fox News breaking story as helicopters hovered overhead and Sean Hannity would pontificate about this story as proof of "the liberal War on Christmas". The riot police would be called in and after being beaten and peppersprayed, Jesus would be handed over to Homeland Security. There'd be a trial and he'd be crucified once again but figuratively, not literally before being indefinitely detained and shipped to Guantanamo Bay.

Then they will answer and say, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or ill or in prison, and not minister to your needs?’45He will answer them, ‘Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me."

Matthew 25, 44-45


  1. My favorite is when you quote Jesus and they say, "Where does it say that in the Bible?" It's not like all he had to say was so great that it would take years to read it! It is like he is supposed to be the basis of their faith and religion and they can't be bothered to look into any of the things he said.

  2. As a follower of Jesus I can say that I agree with your post. I've been saying for a while now that one of the worst things that every happened to the followers of Jesus is the creation of the imperial religion called "Christianity." Jesus didn't come on the scene and say, "Do you know what this world needs? Another religion!" No. Jesus was about showing people a way of living. He was showing us what true human nature looks like. He was showing what god truly looks like.

    The only identifying "badge" Jesus left was love: "I give you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, so you also must love each other. This is how everyone will know that you are my disciples, when you love each other" (John 13.34-34; CEB). By following Jesus in this type of Love, the kind of love that gives of oneself even to death, if needs be, can be done by people of any religion or no religion. This, this type of being is what this world needs now more than ever.

  3. Some pastors DO preach about these very said things you've mentioned. But I agree we Christians these have a long, long way to go. I include myself in that. I took in a lady I hardly knew for a few months to get help with her alcoholism and it was too much without going into detail...she ended up leaving on her own accord to rehab in another country. That said, I could do waaaay more than I am doing. I say all this since most Christians I have met treat me like a freak that I have done this. One guy who called himself a Christian chose not to date me because of the lady living with me.

  4. This is really amazing and so true. I am a bartender and prefer not to talk about politics and religion with my customers, but yesterday one struck a nerve after telling me that, and I quote ' that she is cool with gay people and all but she doesnt see why they have to display their affection in public' so I told her for the same reason us straight people are allowed to. And if she is gonna tell me its not the lords doing then she knows nothing about the lords doing, because the God I believe in would be ashamed of all the people who used his name whenever they want to prophesy about something they think is 'wrong'. im so disgusted by people who really don't know what loving everyone as you would yourself, truly means.