Religion is like a penis

As the saying goes "Religion is like a penis. It's fine to be proud of it and share it with people who like it but don't pull it out in public or force it on me, and you sure as hell better not try to shove it down my kid's throat." That's a fairly crude, but effective comparison, and it drives the point home.

Look, I don't care which religion you subscribe to, or don't subscribe to. I care about how you treat other people first and your beliefs last, located somewhere after your preferences in music or beer, probably right between your sexual orientation and bowel movements on the list of things I give a shit about.

Yet, you constantly have athletes like Tebow praising God every time they score a touchdown, hit a home run, score a knockout, etc. Not only is it annoying, it is the ultimate display of ego run amuck. If you were a real Christian, I would think that to claim God gave you that touchdown pass isn't just you being a douche, it is also kind of sacrilegious. To assume that an action in a sport which has no real value other than entertainment, bragging rights and financial gain was the result of the favor of any almighty being is what some would consider to be "the sin of presumption". To assume that your 80+ yard touchdown pass was the result of some type of divine intervention is to not only cheapen the idea of God, but also to suggest that God has his/her priorities seriously, seriously out of whack.

So, I suggest this. Next time you want to thank God for a home run or a touchdown, that's fine. However, instead of dropping to one knee and all that, how about backing that thanks up with something that matters, like a check to a charity? It might make you appear like slightly less of a douche.

Those who trade liberty for convenience get neither

The problem with us as a society is that we want other people to provide our goods and services for us instead of embracing a more DIY ethic. This is encouraged by the companies who make their money off convincing us it is too hard or too time-consuming to grow our own vegetables or bake our own bread.

It is nice not to have to go wash clothes in the neighborhood lake or grind wheat with all of your neighbors like we did 200 years ago but the downside of it is that we've also lost what it means to work as a community. Other than in rural areas, there is really no cohesive sense of community in the way it used to be. Because of relying on other people to provide our goods and services, we've lost touch with the realities of true cost, labor and consumption.

We've relied on government and the red kettle in front of WalMart every Christmas to take care of those in need instead of taking the time out of our day and the money out of our own wallets to do it ourselves. We let members of the media spin and twist stories to tell us who we should vote for instead of stopping to think for ourselves and research the issues. The more we consume, the more bloated we become mentally, spiritually, morally and physically. When you outsource your needs to be handled by someone else, whether it be government or private industry, you also hand over your freedom. Next time you hear someone complain about how the government is intruding too much into their life, remind them that they traded that freedom for cheap, processed, pesticide-ridden food at Walmart and their need for convenience.

The 1% kills the goose that laid the golden egg

The reasoning of the 1% for all this time is that they can shit on the rest of us freely, without consequences, without fear that one day we would finally figure out their games. This is why we're dependent on foreign oil, on cheap goods from China via Walmart, and mindless entertainment to keep us numb.

It is a comfortably numb life for those who've taken the blue pill and shop at Walmart. As long as you can buy that frozen pizza, a case of cheap beer, a bucket of fried chicken and the latest shitty blockbuster on DVD, all is well in your little world. Until it comes crashing down...

Suddenly you can't afford this things once you've been let go from the job you've held for years, even though you haven't had a raise since 2007. "We just can't afford pay raises or better insurance until the economy improves" said the boss as he drives off in his Lexus, and you drive off in that old pickup truck that has leaked oil for the last 4 years. They like to make the "shared sacrifice" speech to justify slashing benefits and freezing pay, while they continue to make profits on their stock options.

It isn't "shared sacrifice" any more when we have to choose between taking our kids to the doctor or putting gas in our vehicles to make it to work for another week. It isn't a "free market" when banks take bets on bad debts and get bailed out, but us working class folks are foreclosed on because we fell behind on the house payments.

The 1%, Wall Street and the banks have decided to kill the goose that laid the golden egg, us the middle and working class. I guess they figured that maybe they had enough money amongst them all to make a living trading back and forth. The thing is, they've forgotten who fights their wars, removes their garbage and teaches their kids. They've forgotten who buys their products, patrols their streets, services their vehicles and delivers their mail. They've forgotten that the prosperity of decades past wasn't due to the nation's riches being in the hands of a few, but in the hands of many.

We aren't asking for the super-rich to give up everything they have and resign themselves to a life of poverty in a monastery or living in an Occupy community. What we are asking them to do is to remember that without us, they have nothing, and without their greed, we'd have a whole lot more.

The religious right gets "Santorumed" by the 1%

For many years now, there's been an unholy alliance between the religious right and the corporate GOP. The corporate wing has always promised some type of restriction on abortion, keeping gay rights from happening or expressing support for Israel. The only thing the corporate GOP really supports is Israel and constant war. Why? It is constant profit for them. While members of the religious right continue to believe that the next conflict in the Middle East will bring back the return of Christ, they continue to donate their money and children to this cause like the fools that they are. Much like a Nigerian 419 scammer, the corporate GOP continues to promise the religious right that the return of Christ, the end of abortion and other promises will come soon, just one more payment, just one more election.

They haven't really done much for the American Taliban, aka the Religious Right. Perhaps they've realized that and run the likes of Santorum and Bachmann this time around although one won't win and the other has dropped out. Yet, as I've said before, these aren't people who can't be reasoned with. They firmly believe that it is their mission from God to force their twisted little beliefs on everyone else, through whatever means necessary, whether it be the pen, the keyboard, the Bible or multiple 5.56mm rounds.

This explains the popularity of politicians like Santorum in Iowa, South Carolina and other "Bible Belt" states where they have learned about him through their pastors instead of Googling him. This ignorance would be funny, if it wasn't also so very dangerous.

All this time, they've been used by the 1% as useful idiots, as promised votes for the agenda for the 1%. Yet, the 1% doesn't want abortion outlawed. What else would they do when their daughter is date-raped after her first keg-stand in college? The 1% doesn't want anti-sodomy laws. What would they be sentenced to after being caught getting frothy with the pool boy?

So I pose this question to the likes of Pat Robertson, James Dobson and the rest of them, how does it feel to be the "power bottom"?

Apocalypse prediction 2012

I laugh at all the people who have to find something they have to be afraid of. For a nation addicted to jingoistic "we're gonna kick your ass" country songs, Chuck Norris memes, and UFC, we sure are a bunch of worried chickenshits. As soon as we're past one date, we scramble to find the next improbable event to get our stomachs tied up in knots over.

However, let's just go ahead and say we're gonna get a little "Apocalypse" action this year. I say it could be a good thing. Maybe the Mayan calendar stopped at 2012 because they got a visit from the future to warn their 1% that the year 2012 was the end of the road for those who got rich on corporate welfare and making their money on the backs of the 99%.

Perhaps 2012 will be the end of the road for the likes of Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist. Maybe in some bizarre twist, the Michele Bachmann/Rick Santorum ticket gets elected and Pat Robertson is chosen as the leader of the American version of the Spanish Inquisition. You didn't see that coming? Well, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition! At this point, seeing as how Santorum is the frothy bottom on this ticket, God decides to step in and end the world as we know it because things are finally just too much.

The day after the election, seeing as how the whole thing was so terribly rigged, the Rapture comes. It'll be a good thing, trust me. The religious right prays for it to come, tries to expedite the process by stirring up things in the Middle East, and finally God decides that enough is enough in 2012. They believe the Rapture will be their reward and ironically, it will. I foresee Pat Robertson and James Dobson being forced to watch hour after hour of hot man on man penetration, unable to look away, in the spirit of "A Clockwork Orange". I have this sadistic fantasy where Fred Phelps and Pat Buchanan are forced to explore every inch of each other's wrinkly old bodies, over and over again. Yes, it seems like a fitting reward for their rigorous adherence to "God's law".

Sometime around 3pm, the world suddenly becomes a whole lot more cheerful and tolerant as vans full of denim skirt wearing fundamentalist Christians suddenly disappear from the earth. Their disappearance won't be noticed until the 839 people who watch the Duggars pop out another kid suddenly realize the show has been cancelled or when Palin's Facebook page goes silent.

So if this is the "Apocalypse" the Mayans supposedly predicted, bring it on. Just give me about a day's notice so I can stock up on booze, weed, porn and everything else those cheerless fucks want to make illegal. Happy New Year everyone!