Sunday, January 1, 2012

Apocalypse prediction 2012

I laugh at all the people who have to find something they have to be afraid of. For a nation addicted to jingoistic "we're gonna kick your ass" country songs, Chuck Norris memes, and UFC, we sure are a bunch of worried chickenshits. As soon as we're past one date, we scramble to find the next improbable event to get our stomachs tied up in knots over.

However, let's just go ahead and say we're gonna get a little "Apocalypse" action this year. I say it could be a good thing. Maybe the Mayan calendar stopped at 2012 because they got a visit from the future to warn their 1% that the year 2012 was the end of the road for those who got rich on corporate welfare and making their money on the backs of the 99%.

Perhaps 2012 will be the end of the road for the likes of Fred Phelps and Westboro Baptist. Maybe in some bizarre twist, the Michele Bachmann/Rick Santorum ticket gets elected and Pat Robertson is chosen as the leader of the American version of the Spanish Inquisition. You didn't see that coming? Well, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition! At this point, seeing as how Santorum is the frothy bottom on this ticket, God decides to step in and end the world as we know it because things are finally just too much.

The day after the election, seeing as how the whole thing was so terribly rigged, the Rapture comes. It'll be a good thing, trust me. The religious right prays for it to come, tries to expedite the process by stirring up things in the Middle East, and finally God decides that enough is enough in 2012. They believe the Rapture will be their reward and ironically, it will. I foresee Pat Robertson and James Dobson being forced to watch hour after hour of hot man on man penetration, unable to look away, in the spirit of "A Clockwork Orange". I have this sadistic fantasy where Fred Phelps and Pat Buchanan are forced to explore every inch of each other's wrinkly old bodies, over and over again. Yes, it seems like a fitting reward for their rigorous adherence to "God's law".

Sometime around 3pm, the world suddenly becomes a whole lot more cheerful and tolerant as vans full of denim skirt wearing fundamentalist Christians suddenly disappear from the earth. Their disappearance won't be noticed until the 839 people who watch the Duggars pop out another kid suddenly realize the show has been cancelled or when Palin's Facebook page goes silent.

So if this is the "Apocalypse" the Mayans supposedly predicted, bring it on. Just give me about a day's notice so I can stock up on booze, weed, porn and everything else those cheerless fucks want to make illegal. Happy New Year everyone!


  1. BEST POST EVER!!! I love it!!!

  2. [Hey, Whiskey, check out this bit that I ran into on the net.]


    by Jon Edwards

    Many are still unaware of the eccentric, 182-year-old British theory underlying the politics of American evangelicals and Christian Zionists.
    Journalist and historian Dave MacPherson has spent more than 40 years focusing on the origin and spread of what is known as the apocalyptic "pretribulation rapture" - the inspiration behind Hal Lindsey's bestsellers of the 1970s and Tim LaHaye's today.
    Although promoters of this endtime evacuation from earth constantly repeat their slogan that "it's imminent and always has been" (which critics view more as a sales pitch than a scriptural statement), it was unknown in all official theology and organized religion before 1830.
    And MacPherson's research also reveals how hostile the pretrib rapture view has been to other faiths:
    It is anti-Islam. TV preacher John Hagee has been advocating "a pre-emptive military strike against Iran." (Google "Roots of Warlike Christian Zionism.")
    It is anti-Jewish. MacPherson's book "The Rapture Plot" (see Armageddon Books etc.) exposes hypocritical anti-Jewishness in even the theory's foundation.
    It is anti-Catholic. Lindsey and C. I. Scofield are two of many leaders who claim that the final Antichrist will be a Roman Catholic. (Google "Pretrib Hypocrisy.")
    It is anti-Protestant. For this reason no major Protestant denomination has ever adopted this escapist view.
    It even has some anti-evangelical aspects. The first publication promoting this novel endtime view spoke degradingly of "the name by which the mixed multitude of modern Moabites love to be distinguished, - the Evangelical World." (MacPherson's "Plot," p. 85)
    Despite the above, MacPherson proves that the "glue" that holds constantly in-fighting evangelicals together long enough to be victorious voting blocs in elections is the same "fly away" view. He notes that Jerry Falwell, when giving political speeches just before an election, would unfailingly state: "We believe in the pretribulational rapture!"
    In addition to "The Rapture Plot" (available also at any library through inter-library loan), MacPherson's many internet articles include "Famous Rapture Watchers," "Pretrib Rapture Diehards," "Edward Irving is Unnerving," "America's Pretrib Rapture Traffickers," "Thomas Ice (Bloopers)," "Pretrib Rapture Secrecy" and "Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty" (massive plagiarism, phony doctorates, changing of early "rapture" documents in order to falsely credit John Darby with this view, etc.!).
    Because of his devastating discoveries, MacPherson is now No. 1 on the "hate" list of pretrib rapture leaders who love to ban or muddy up his uber-accurate findings in sources like Wikipedia - which they've almost turned into Wicked-pedia!
    There's no question that the leading promoters of this bizarre 19th century end-of-the-world doctrine are solidly pro-Israel and necessarily anti-Palestinian. In light of recently uncovered facts about this fringe-British-invented belief which has always been riddled with dishonesty, many are wondering why it should ever have any influence on Middle East affairs.
    This Johnny-come-lately view raises millions of dollars for political agendas. Only when scholars of all faiths begin to look deeply at it and widely air its "dirty linen" will it cease to be a power. It is the one theological view no one needs!
    With apologies to Winston Churchill - never has so much deception been foisted on so many by so few!

  3. To previous commenter: Thank You! Good information! I have a few neighbors that get publications simply riddled with this pernicious stuff, and I don't like seeing it since it's nothing but hate pure and simple.
    When people who believe this way wake up to it, they feel really violated.